It was 3:25pm this time

I missed him a little sooner than usual plus I wanted to call him this time instead of it seeming as if he has to call me all the time. I was doing that, letting him call mostly because he is the one on vacation and want him to call me when he gets some time to himself instead of me bothering him. He made the comment about how he has called me everyday and even on his flight, even in Philly but apologized for not calling often enough. I laughed, chuckled actually because to be honest, they way he said things had made it where I thought I would only be talking to him a couple if not only a few times a week not everyday which I am not complaining at all about talking to him everyday it just feels weird sometimes to talk to him everyday. The man is in Italy, it isn't like he went to Canada or somewhere in the U.S. for 3weeks but I do believe if he went anywhere in the U.S. for 3weeks I would have been there by now, lol.
He was getting ready to go out drinking and such again tonight, he was leaving in half an hour, no biggie, we did talk a good bit today though.
He did tell me he hopes he hears from the Consulate tomorrow because they have yet to call him with an appointment for his Visa and he can't come back here without it. He can come back but he can only come on a visiting Visa. He said they already have his documents so just waiting on them but he has to go to Rome which is across the country not down the street. He said he hopes though they are kind of late with the appointment so he can change his flight coming home because one layover/stop/whatever is only 55mins and if he is late one only knows what will happen. Hopefully he gets his appointment soon because I don't want him missing my birthday. I couldn't be with him on the holidays at least I can have him on my birthday. Besides I think 4 weeks would really drive me crazy. I can't believe they haven't called him with an appointment yet but then again I almost can. I won't be talking to him tonight because he said he has no more money on the card and will have to get one tomorrow, so I guess I won't know anything unless he sends me a myspace message or when I talk to him on the phone tomorrow. I won't bring it up, I'll just wait and see if he brings it up again. I don't want to seem anxious, bothersome, or anything like that. I'm just scared, nervous, excited, etc.

Just Chiefin' on a Saturday evenin

JP's
JP Awards
Golden Roach Clips
Donuts on his tummy (On Homer's tummy on The Simpsons Movie)

I'm high
I've had wine
I've been to his apartment, cleaned it, colored on the calendar a bit, picked up some of my things, done some laundry, washed the sheets, made the bed, & I'm done being over there a bit because right now I'm just a tad bit disappointed with him. Not a lot but a good fucking bit.
I'm just not really fucking feeling it at the moment.
Good night

"Toke, toke it up man"

9:25pm @ night Dec.22nd
"Up in Smoke"
@ home w/pooch, new pillow,
Terrence
Melissa
Myself

Agent Double "O" 8; License to Cook

My Italian Stallion is on his way home and if not right at this moment he is the closest has he been all damn day when he has been on an airplane and waiting in airports most of it. I know I miss him. I don't miss him in an I'm going to cry and not make it sort of way but I don't know it is kind of like a calm. I'm not worried about him being back home now as much as I was before. I'm more stressed out about the moving situation than I am anything else because he is right in what he said today; he'll be back before I really start to miss him but I mean come on three weeks is a long time when it is new & fresh. I don't know what it is, the see you later kiss and the hug made me confident. The way he treated me today, hell this entire week has made me feel special. I couldn't imagine not seeing him a week before he leaves to go back home for three weeks. Even though he has been stressed with work, going back home for the holidays, moving when he returns every night before now has been really enjoyable; even the ones where we both would fall asleep on each other. We both have been sleeping horrible the nights before he left. Hell I ended up with a headache the day before he was due to leave but the nap we had was the best nap ever. Ok maybe not the best nap ever but it was a really wonderlicious nap. He was sleep, the dog was sleep, I was sleep in the bed; all of us so tired we feel asleep with the light on and slept a good two and a half hours if not three to three and a half hours. I couldn't believe it. We have only fallen asleep like that once I think but not 100% on that. I think it is the cutest little thing though that when we go lay down Ellie is right behind us jumping in the bed. Lately she curls up inbetween us. It is funny that when one of us starts moving too much she gets up and moves to either the couch, her couch or his yellow pillow. Today I'm glad he finally understood that she enjoys his smell and whatever he has worn she is going to curl up in. She will follow it across the room, into another room to curl up in it and go to sleep. They love each other, I don't care how much they try to deny it when I am in the room, it is just too funny and cute. I can't believe he bought her a $75 couch, two $20 sweaters, & a bigger water dish. I mean I can believe it but I can't. I mean he is right, he is spoiling the girlfriend and her dog, lol. I think he spoils the dog not only because she is mine but he loves her too. He enjoys playing with her way to much to deny anything else. He is right though she does need a bigger feeding dish but I do digress. I told my sisters I am moving to South Carolina and mentioned to my mom my new boyfriend is Italian that is why my shirt is in Italian.
I guess it just bothers me that he took his laptop and all that jazz but I mean it is understandable he is going home. I don't know but last night and today at the airport kind of washed my insecurities away, that and besides the fact he has been saying all week he is going to miss me. I had to ask him last night, kind of letting him know I was scared, there's not some pregnant chick back in Italy, some girl he is going to marry and be with besides me, etc, etc, blah & blah but you know you never know, a girl has to and had to ask. I mean yeah it would be silly especially since he asked me to move with him to South Carolina and from there who knows where else but hell men/people do some of the craziest silliest shit. I want to tell him I love him so bad but it feels like such an understood known between the two of us it would seem silly to say. It seems like a strange feeling but it seemed like after I hugged him, kissed him, & heading down on the escalator something felt like he said I love you. I looked up and at him; he had this look in his eyes. I wanted to run back the opposite directions up the escalator to hug & kiss him again but I didn't want to seem silly or cheesy. He knows I miss and I'll miss him.
I can't believe he is willing to allow me to move with him and just pretty much just exsist if I wanted to. I don't know if I can handle something like that but we might just have to see. I don't know though, I will have to get some kind of part time job I mean come on, I have to get out and meet people some how. I may just get on meetup.com and see if there are dog parks around, an artist/painters group or something too. Hopefully facebook will help me a wee bit with networking a tad bit too. I might just have to find something easy breezy to do and just chill on that while living with him. I mean with the way he wants to travel and carrying on it seems that is pretty much what I am going to have to do.
I'm excited, in love and ready to move and have some fun with my man. Hopefully he won't come back with something else to tell me like nevermind or lets wait. I think that is what is terrifying me the most is that something will happen and his mind will change. I'm just scared. That is all there is to it.

We have so much freaking fun together it isn't even funny. I can't believe who concerned he actually gets when I'm not smiling. When I'm usually looking as if something is wrong he says it worries him because I'm not smiling and laughing like I usually am. He is willing to talk to me in the dark before bedtime. I think that is what I enjoy the most as well. He isn't afraid of pillow talk and allows me to get my feelings out and everything without coming down on me about doing it that way. He also takes that time with me and talks to me not just listening and "uh huh'ng" what I have to say.
We came up with an aka for jenfer and I to call him and that is either "the big O" or "agent 008, license to cook", ok actually 008. It is too cute. It had me smiling all day. He keeps me smiling a lot. Even in a disagreement or a misunderstanding I ended up smiling, actually we both do but he is usually the one making me smile.

Options, Choices, Decisions, Explorations

Looks like I have a decision to make but I have already made it, I just haven't told the other person it involves. I was given the option to move to South Carolina with my boyfriend. That means my cats, the dog and I just pack up and move leaving TX for a little while if not forever altogether. Now when I say forever does not mean I wouldn't dare come back to visit because of course I would being my friend and family are here.
It is going to one interesting move. I mean we haven't been dating that long but it is so comfortable already. He is my friend. I mean we can sit around doing our own thing and no one feeling neglected. I enjoy the fact he can be just as spontaneious as I am so this move should be a fun one if nothing more but of course there will be more. We keep growing everyday as the days go by and it is just interesting in the way that it is happening. AGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!! Moving to South Carolina though, I mean come on. I don't know if we will be there that long and yes it will be interesting to live in and see another state but gosh, it is going to be slow and easy I'm sure. I'm all ready to be bored a little bit. We will keep each other entertained because we seem to do that a lot now anyway which is fun by the way.
GAWD!!! He is out right now with his friends. I'm suppose to be in San Antonio or I would be out with him I think. I am not betting the farm on it though. His aquaintence has two friends in town, male and female and it is just driving my nerves crazy that he is in Dallas with them and I'm at home looking crazy but I guess soon we'll have almost no choice but to be together unless we go out alone, lol. I don't know why I get so nervous when he is out. He has not given me a reason not to trust him and he is more than willing go out with me and have me on his arm. I just get all crazy and crap when he is around other chicks, like he is doing or going to do something he shouldn't. It is me he spoils and shows a good time. I am the one he gave the option to move to South Carolina with him. I just trip and feel uneasy for no reason I guess. Hell he has to trust me just as much as I have to trust him. I mean because I go all kinds of strange places with my best friend.
Tomorrow I'm heading to San Antonio for my best friend's cousin's funeral. I think she has grieved already, she is feeling wierd about it which she shouldn't but I think she is. It will be an interesting trip that is for sure. Her ex husband is rolling with us and thank goodness because we need to be in the clouds on the road. I may have to bring incense to cover pot smell in my car because it seems my car likes to hold that damn smell. I will have to write later, I'm feeling a nap of some sort coming on. I just finished painting my toes with my fingernails next in line.

Another day in the neighborhood, won't you be my neighbor?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood, won't you be my neighbor? I don't know where Mr. Rogers came from but damn it there he is. I am still up and need to be in bed. I agreed to take the soon to be ex husband to a procedure tomorrow early in the morning. I need to be there at 8:30am he says. I can't believe he is doing it that early cuz when we were together he wouldn't have made it that early at all. Hell he wouldn't get up early to do anything with me period so who am I fooling. It is a damn shame too or at least it was a damn shame because now I don't fucking care. It is not my problem to deal with anymore. Besides I rather enjoy getting up with my new man. I enjoy staying the night at his place and getting up with him as he gets ready for work since I do not have to at this particular moment. It is nice to spend a little time with him before he leaves. I was so disappointed when I woke up 20mins after he left that one morning. I was just so very disappointed. He really doesn't understand why but I do and it is just a feel good feeling. Jenfer thinks I should look there for a job in South Carolina on the cool while my boyfriend is out on Christmas vacation because she says you never know. Which of course is true and I might as well have all my ducks in a row if I am going to do it. Don't look for a job after he gets back because if he ask me to go with him I will have already looked and sent resumes. I don't know though, I am nervous. I don't know what makes me think that he would even ask me something like that. I am living in dreamy land I know. I mean but what does it hurt to dream that my man would take me with him as his job moves him around the world and we grow this relationship. Ok I am dreaming/hoping/wishing for a lot I know. I can hear my boyfriend now, don't you think that is asking a little too much, but all I can say is anything that I ask for is never too much when it involves us being together. At least that is what I am feeling for him at this moment. It isn't infatuation (<---sp?) either. I mean it is odd. I'm really comfy around him, it feels good to be my complete self and not have to hide anything about me or hold anything back. I can be as sily as I wish and as crazy and as goofy as I want. I don't have to hide who my friends are either. I mean either he clicks with them or he doesn't and he doesn't make a big fucking deal about it either. Today he let me told me he mentioned me to some of his other friends across the world. Oh it made me feel very fucking special although that doesn't mean anything. He could say girlfriend and have another one next month and they won't exactly know which girlfriend he is talking about and he wouldn't have to specify. So is it really special that he mentioned me? You know I'm going to hold on to the fact that it is and run with it.
We talked on the phone once again today. I feel silly for mentioning it but I am. It feels funny because it is a rare occurence that is starting to happen a lot more often and we are having a lot more to say of course. I say of course because being on the phone with him use to be akward and I am not much a phone person but things are slowly changing and I am glad for that. They are changing and happening in a positive light.
I better get to bed being that I am getting up early on one of my leisure days. Part of me wants to dress cute just to let him know that I'm looking good yes and he messed up but the real me is just going to find whatever and put on whatever. I can't get my boyfriend out of my mind. I am just so damn passionate about him. Him just being him overwhelms me with passion and I let him know that too. I think he realizes it by himself though. I always tell him I'm sorry I can't keep my hands off of him and he always ask why and he hears the same answer, just because you are Omar, that is all you will ever need to do is just be you baby.

The Day After Thanksgiving (Ok, it's just Friday)

Today was an interesting yet boring day to say the least. We didn't go out of town just as I suspected because I mean Melissa's tooth was hurting just way too bad. I mean hell, the damn teeth have made her miss a full week of work and has had her crying up until today. I think this is the only day out of this entire week she has felt bearable, eating, not crying, throwing up, and/or anything else in that neighborhood. I am kind of bummed we didn't go to San Antonio but it is probably best. Her cousin is dying and she really needs to remember him the last time she saw him healthy and not in the state that I hear he is in. She will be going to the funeral but that is a good thing. She can say her goodbyes there and remember him how he was, which I am sure that is what he would want. Yes of course he would have loved to see her before he goes but I'm sure he has a million other things on his mind or not.
With saying I didn't go out of town and mentioning that to my boyfriend, he said if I don't go out of town feel free to book him. I tried that and guess what folks, I didn't see him all day today. He said he had a little cold; his throat hurt and his sinuses were completely closed this morning when he woke up. Needless to say due to that we haven't seen each other today. I can and did of course survive it although I didn't want to at all. He said his best friend asked him to go out but he was not feeling it. You know if he would have went out with his friend instead of seeing me like he said I could I would have been pissed to the highest level. I don't mind if he wants to go out with his friends at all but don't tell me or hype me up for seeing you, you are sick the next day, I don't see you at least during the day and then you go out. Oh who wouldn't be pissed, I mean completely 100% pissed and not wanting to see him for a very long while. We text most of the day though or should I say as long as he wasn't sleep we were texting each other.
I don't know why I feel as if he is lying to me about being sick. I've been through text and realized it was 4hrs at a time we didn't talk. Then I've been through what he has said to me. Oh I am just being crazy. I guess the boyfriend lying to me in the past that he was out of town and then for him to tell me later that he wasn't and why he lied has scared me a little. Then it doesn't help when I am nervous about this relationship already. He is suppose to be leaving in Jan and we are growing closer. I mean he has already said yea, him leaving is something we don't want to think about.
I gotta learn to trust him. I think I do I am just having a hard time getting in touch with that because I am so scared of what is going on. Sometimes I think it is going no where but then I see that it is when I open up and talk with him or we learn more about each other. I could be trippin. I mean completely. He could just be using this time as yeah I'm getting another girlfriend before I leave, let me learn what I can from her and spend good times with her, show her good times can be had while I am here and then once I leave say my goodbye to her.
I don't know what it is though but I don't feel that in my gut. That is not my gut feeling that that is his intention. I try not to let me mind wonder that he will ask me to go with him but something in my gut says that might be his intention. I don't know, my gut doesn't know, my mind doesn't know, wait did I mention I didn't know altogether about anything. We'll just have to see what happens and where this goes.
The odd thing about us being apart is that I can't fucking sleep. I can't fucking sleep at all DAMN IT!!! I mean if I get in the bed, close my eyes and have the pooch there with me then yes I am in LaLa Land but before that, I'm on the couch on the damn computer as if I don't need to be in bed. It is like I don't want to go to bed because he is not there. I don't know. I know it sounds crazy but maybe that is just what it is, crazy. When I am with him at his place I wake up at least once and gotta go to the bathroom. I fall right back to sleep but I wake up just that once. He wakes up a few times with me during the night but he says he sleeps with me. I wonder if that has changed for the better since we have been spending more nights together. I know I don't wake up as much anymore. Ok I am rambling because it is 2:12am and I am suppose to be sleep because that is what I told him I was going to be 2hrs ago but I just had to get this stuff off my chest. It is part of that I need to go to bed and should have long ago but not finding the desire to head that way since he is not there. Actually I think I will go to bed after eating a brautwarst because damn it I am really hungry at the moment and I refuse to go to bed starving because damn it that is just insane. I am grown and refuse to starve.

TuRkEy DaY!!

IT wasn't that big a deal this year just like it wasn't too much last year either but then again last year thanksgiving I was married. Which I still am on a technicallity. I think I spelled that word correctly. My first year without my husband on Thanksgiving which was kind of a relief because you know what, when he was around my family it was hard for me to be myself and I thought he was judging everything they did and that he didn't even want to be there to be honest. This year I have a boyfriend and he went out of town to his best friend's girlfriend's parent's house. It was interesting to have spent plenty of time together and then to spend one day apart and want to see him so bad at the end of the day. Of course I didn't see him all due to the fact he wouldn't allow it because trust me I tried but no such luck. I mean you know a girl of course has to try. Suppose to go out of town tomorrow (Friday) but we shall see because Melissa really doesn't feel good at all. Her tooth hurts unbelievably then to top it off none of the pain meds are working or staying down because they are making her sick to her stomach. We shall see.

Intense Metamorphosis

It hasn't been as long as time makes it seem. It hasn't been very long at all. It doesn't feel like forever but it feels comfortable already. The nights there are no sex no one is upset we joke about it later. I can't wait to bind him by my hands and see how that turns out. Having fun is pretty much garaunteed no matter what we do. Even if it is just staying at home on the computer and watching tv. He is very different and it is very scary. We aren't at a stand still in our relationship but we are growing closer together. I mean how messed up is it that when it is time to go that he will just be able to turn off his feelings like that but then again I don't know what is going to happen when it is time for him to depart Texas. How awesome would it be if he asked me to go with him? I don't know if I would be able to contain myself but I can hear him now, don't you think that is too much? Omar, nothing I ask for is ever too much, especially when it involves finding out where this could lead.
He is different and I feel very special that he has graced my life with his presence. He was especially great when I was ill on Saturday after his birthday. I know next time before I do any drinking with him and his friends again I need plenty o' water. I think I still baffle him about why I can't keep my hands off of him but I just can't and yes that even includes when he gives me a hard time about it. He's just so damn sexy to me. I mean him just being him is just sublime. I need something to munch on. I am craving some chips but none are here, I can't believe we forgot to pick those up. Now I'm here with plenty of sweets but nothing salty like I need. I don't know though. I'll find something to eat on in there.

Day after Halloween

Here it is the day after Halloween and I haven't seen him yet. I haven't seen him since I think Tuesday morning. We are suppose to have a long weekend together or so the text says which I will believe and I will certainly enjoy. I can't believe he left his phone yet again but then again I can because when he got in from the club he got high. High late at night with him usually means he left his damn phone at home. Of course this time I didn't get mad because now I know and realized when he didn't message by 12:33pm what was up. It was a cute message he sent when he got home. It made me smile which he usually does. He called me also today. Something about hearing that voice makes me smile as well. Just so many things about this make me nervous. He claims something about me getting an italian flag tattooed on me. I said if you pay for it I will do it. Why did I say that I do not know because guess what, I may be getting antoher tattoo on me. I am just so all over the place with my thoughts and this thing here called a blog. So many things to write about one person. One person making so many times in my life happy ones. I don't want to label what we have but it is different to be in something I didn't have to label. It feels like something is almost understood without the specific words. I really wish he didn't have to leave when he leaves. It is a sad sucky thing, very sad and sucky but I guess it has to happen since here is not where home is. Where he is from is a very beautiful place. I wouldn't mind seeing it in person at all.

This day has been a very high day. Sleep was good this morning. I woke up before the best friend, I was afraid she wasn't going to make it to work but she did. She ended up coming home half a day and getting her prescriptions because her tooth was killing her once again but at least this time there is pain meds around and she can get done what she needs to get done, YAY!!! Then once the teeth are gone I'm sure those headaches will slow down a whole hell of a lot. Mine have slowed down a ton and I think it is because now I am happy and away from a job that wasn't using my full potential. I know I haven't been getting up much on my resume but that is about to damn sure change and who knows hopefully I can work at a Starbucks for some extra change while I'm on severance from the bank.

Really don't know

I just really don't know. I don't know what to think. I don't know where we are headed and I'm really confused but this is very enjoyable. Not planning anything big or any future except what is happening just next weekend not what is happening weeks or months from now unless it involves him leaving which I am also confused on. He says now he doesn't know when in Dec he is leaving if it will even be in Dec. I'm nervous about that very nervous about that because I would be flattered if I am the reason you stayed but I will be terrified if I am the reason he decided to stay a little longer. I will say that I have had the most fun that I have had in a long time meeting Omar. I have been to two concerts and going to my 3rd. The cooking lessons, the time together, the learning of each other we are doing is great. Going with the flow is a little scary but fun at the same time.


I can't believe Ellie brought her toy to him and snuggled up with him in bed. I mean all this could end tomorrow and I can just enjoy the time that we had, I so know that and realize for any reason he could be gone tomorrow. I will be very hurt when he is leaving for home or at least to the next state for his job. Ok, I digress; I still can't believe how well behaved she was last night and I'm still really excited she didn't use the potty in his place. She did all her business outside like a good little pooch but back to what I was saying, he threw the toy, Ellie went to go get it and instead of bringing it back to me like she usually does when anyone throws it she brought it back to him. I don't think she cares to much for the company that came over but I think that will change. She was just trying to be protective last night but I still can't believe it. She actually watched him throughout the movie. It was funny.

Last night though I felt a little inadequate in the political conversation because I haven't dealt with politics since my husband and I separated. I mean that is all the husband could talk about and it would drive me fucking mad although we agreed but sometimes he would beat the fuck out of a dead horse. All I know is, I am going to vote again although I feel my vote doesn't count what so ever. I think a democrat is going to win just because the place is tired of the republicans fucking up as usual. Company could be right or wait the man could be right about the us not being for a black or woman president but what plain jane white guy is out there running for the crats, no one so what choices are left when we and the I'm sure the entire world are ready for the republicans to move around for a long bit if not forever, lol.

The Italian Flag

It has been a while since I started dating him and it so far has been fun and scary. I think the scary part is more or so my feelings towards him. I know he is leaving in a bit, I know he is going to South Carolina in Dec, to be honest December 1st, which is too close for comfort. Last night or should I say this morning he gave me the key to his apartment. Of course just to lock up after I leave so that I could sleep in while he left for work. It felt a little odd so I left a little earlier than I had to but I was fine with it. I straightened up for him a bit too. I cleaned the kitchen as much as I felt worthy, the living room and put up all those damn shoes that were in my way when I came in, oh I also made up the bed. I think I wasmore or less doing it for me and not him, lol. He appreciated it. I was sure he would. I am just so freaking tired it isn't even funny. I have taken a shower and have soaked in the fact that Omar said he might stay in Texas a few weeks longer than what he is suppose to. Or at least that is what I am thinking. He for sure made me smile when he told me that. I am really enjoying him and it has been a blast getting to know each other. It is very scary how things are turning out. I mean nice and I am thinking slow but you know I just don't know. We're just spending time together and having a good time. He trust me, I mean who just leaves their keys with just anyone and says ok lock up when you get up and I'll get the key from you later? I mean I know I wouldn't. I would have to have a good amount of trust in you.
We went to a haunted house on Sunday. It wasn't at all what it was suppose to be cracked up to be. I hope that made sense if not I understood, lol. We spent $155.58 for four people to get in including speed passes to skip the damn line. First of all there was a line, matter of fact the line was an hour long, then 45mins to get thru the damn thing. The real line took 4hours to get through so the speed pass was a deal but still. Then to top it all off it wasn't even scary. I jumped only a couple of times. I wonder if he will do one more for me. I want to try SCREAMS. My friend Catt says it is pretty good but hopefully we will see. Or at least try Fright Night at Six Flags. I'm just so thrilled I have found someone fun and so damn willing to do so much stuff and any damn thing I wish.

Thought Invasion

He has interrupted my thoughts several times this evening. I have tried to smoke, jam, eat, orgasm yet everything I have tried he invades my thoughts like space invaders and I think it is rude. I can't help but play Hey Sexy Lady by Shaggy and Sean Paul. I mean WTF!?!?! man. I feel he is out dating/fucking/sleeping with someone else which I shouldn't care as long as he treats me like I'm the only one in the world when I am with him. That should be the only thing that matters and truly it does because I really terribly enjoy being with him when I am but gosh when he isn't with me he plays space invaders in my mind and I swear that is just wrong. Not to mention I'm listening to the very song that makes me think about him. I don't know what it is about this song but it brings him into my mind and a smile on my face. Then I am listening to it on the system he bought me. *SSSSSCCCCRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!*



I just had to scream. He was driving me to scream. I am sure he is out with his friends shaking it. What will piss me off though is if he was out with his friends at the State Fair after he offered Mel and I could join but I don't believe, I hope he wouldn't do that. I guess my mind is just wondering because he sent me a text at 7:17p tonight, I responded back and what no answer. Something about that doesn't surprise me and I should move on but part of me is on the wonder. I mean hell if someone treated you the way he treats me would you want someone else to be getting what you are getting at the same time? Damn I know he is leaving in Dec, can't he just wait until then. I mean the thought of him dancing up on some other girl drives me fucking insane. I mean something fucking serious. I am cool though. I just need to get it out. I guess I just want and miss him at the moment.

Is he thinking of me? What is on his mind? Surly it can't be me since he never responded at all and here it is 2:29am. This is freaking crazy. I mean shit, I know he doesn't do this when I'm out and about and he is out home chilling on it. I'm sure I'm the furthest thing from his mind. I'm listening to the Lemon Tree. Something of his I downloaded from his downloaded music. I need to go over there and get more of it because I am missing some items. This is freaking retarded.
Thinking of just being alone and being in his arms. I know I gotta get out and do stuff with him because yes of course that is also where it is at but damn the thought invasion is something serious. Tomorrow I am giving him choices on what to do after pizza. I am nervous about the choice but he will have plenty. I decided on pizza so the activity is his for the choosing.

What the hell is it about him that has me just so all fucking all over the wall? Why can't I treat him like every other guy trying to seduce me and win me over? Grrrrrrrr this is so freaking hard to understand. Ass like that by eminem is on. YOu know just another song to think about his crazy monkey ass. Hope he doesn't read this one day but maybe by then he'll understand that monkey ass was used as a term of endearment. The people that know about him ask do I have a picture which I do and *GASP* I just realized he has pictures of Mel and I doing crazy things. I need to get back on the workout. I need to hit that something serious come Monday. I need to get back in shape. You know get back to that body that turned Omar on. Yeah baby, I gotta get hot again. Hell who knows I might just hit it this weekend.

I was trippin'

I was trippin'. I told you it was all because he said what he said before he left. They return and in his arms is a Bose sound system for my laptop. I can't believe this man just spent a crazy impromptu amount of money on me. I am really enjoying the sound system. I wanted to scream, jump on him and such but I didn't want him to think that money/buying things is the way to keep me smiling but I really am flabergasted that he bought it. I had to call in sick today because I had a migraine on the right side on my brain that was killing the fuck out of me from my head down to my wrist and that was just crazy. I wanted to stay home and just play with it all day but I ended up going to mally's and getting really fucking stoned and just taking the most delicious nap that I haven't had in the longest time. It was just us girls sleeping in the bed as we were watching a movie on the dvr. It was really nice and cool to relax and not have to worry about some man bothering me because I am with my friends chilling on it. I did a lot of thinking about Omar today. I hate when I have such a freaking good time with him and then he is all I can think about the next day. It is like I'm in an "aw" kind of state for at least the next 24hrs then I am back to being me, lol. We are suppose to hang out Saturday and Sunday which I can't wait to experience. I hate both nights we gotta leave each other because Sunday morning I gotta do my volunteer work at AIDS LifeWalk. I can't wait for that either. It will be a blast. I also wish I didn't have to do it at the same time because I wanted to spend some time with Omar because he is leaving me and going to South Carolina for a while then he is going back home. He says he is coming back but of course he doesn't know when. It just sucks a bunch. Ok I'm tired from this wild time we had last night. I'll have to write about that later cuz I am getting off this thing because it is driving me crazy to be on this computer.

One of my clouds is leaving

It is leaving Dec. 1st which is kind of fucked up because we are getting along so great but oh well I guess all good things must come to an end. I really was enjoying this particular cloud. Someone said I am completely myself around him and I guess I can tell that I am being myself instead of what I think they want me to be. I don't know though. It is early and of course you know how all things go so maybe it is good we are splitting at this time but hell I don't know what I am saying. Not like I am love but damn I was starting to have fun with him now I only have like a month and a half to enjoy him. I am glad I cancelled other plans I had going on to see him. I believe I would have been thinking about him the entire time I was out so I'm glad I cancelled. It was well worth it. Even though he is out with my best friend right now doing gawd knows but I gotta trust him and her now don't I until they prove me different. That is a lot of trust but I can do it, I'm being silly. Jealousy is an ugly thing but when you only have someone for a little while longer what do you do? I mean come on, you gotta understand where a girl is coming from. I'm so tipsy from doing shots it is not even funny, ok I'm not like that yet or anything but a girl just had to say something cuz I am also stoned in a very good way. Oh but the rice is fucking up!! It can't fuck up now. I can't be trying to cook for him and then the rice wants to act a donkey fool. Gosh man am I asking for too damn much at this moment in time!?!?! I can't be please rice come on and turn out right. Part of me wants to go outside so bad but I am trying to be the bigger person and you know what it isn't my mind that has to live with it. Ok just getting what I feel out. I can't believe Reese just sent me a text asking if I missed him yet. Damn dude how long has it been? I mean come on if I missed you don't you think I would have contacted you by now? I mean really? I sent him something asking him how long has it been? I haven't heard from him yet. Ok this entry can't be about what I really want it to be about so I'm just going to jet for the hot moment. Arrrrrrrrrrgh, I had this for a completely different reason and now it isn't working out.

Ok I would have been completely ok if Omar didn't say something that he did. Now it is bothering the FUCK OUT OF ME!!! I don't know why but it fucking is. "Don't worry I'm not going to do nothing with her." Ok gee fucking thanks, the thought wasn't anywhere near my head but since you brought it the fuck up it is bothering the fucking hell out of me. What else am I suppose to be thinking at the moment. I'm well on losing my buzz. I mean I actually just lost my buzz. I'm trying to be nice and not continue by myself and hello eat. It is like what 8:42pm. The hateful part in me wants to be in the shower when they walk in just to piss Omar off. Well it wouldn't exactly piss him off but he would be a little p'turbed because he does want to shower with me or so I think. Hmmm, I wonder what all that is about. I was fucking fine now it is driving me fucking looney. I want to scream so fucking bad I guess that is why I am on here about to scream right now. Nothing like a good scream while getting blowed and before you lose your mind.

A good ol' weekend

The three day weekend wasn't so bad, wasn't so bad. Friday night I went out with Omar to Rio Mambo and had my first Berry-jito, it taste like strawberry. Ok, it didn't taste like cough syrup but strawberry I'm not so sure about that. Omar had a raspberry mijito and I will say it had a TON of raspberry flavoring off in that right there. Ellie was a sweet dog on her first night there. She was perfect when it came to sleeping and using the potty the next day. I think I wrote about this already but I just had to mention it again because she is just like the most fabulous pooch.


I didn't see him Saturday evening but Saturday morning Omar made me a little something to eat. He made me the most delish cappuccino and a cresent<---what it is called actually I can't spell at the moment, with strawberry preserves w/coconut shavings heated in the microwave topped with whip cream. Oh he was a mess and I was full on sugar but delish delish I must say. I didn't chat with him much again after that because he was going to the Ricky Martin concert with Fabio. Oh he gave me the tickets to the concert Mel and I are going to that he and I can't go to because he has a dinner meeting that night or whatever and it is Evanecence, however the hell you spell that, lol. I guess I could look at the ticket but oh the hell well. We are going to have a blast but I am so ticked that Omar and I can't go. I believe we would of had a good time. Rio Mambo was interesting. Him and his doggy bag goings on were a trip and then I ended up with a small to go box. He asked why did I feed Ellie from the can when I had some stuff in the fridge. Hey dude that is mine, all mine and sweetcheeks I ate that the next day and it was YUMMY!!Mel and I went to see Bourne Ultimatium and it was Bourne Trash!! We fell asleep throughout the movie, each time waking up feeling as if we didn't miss a thing. We finally just walked out of the movie, came home and went to bed I think.

Oh man we got Omar fucked up so bad it wasn't even real. He fell asleep over here and that's all we remember. I mean we remember more but we remember nothing about right before we fell asleep. All I remember saying is, "You know I'm not kickin' you out right?" He laid back down or actually just moved a little bit then next thing you know it is 3:45am and we are waking up to Mel's morning alarm clock. Oh that hug see you later in the driveway felt so damn good I didn't want to let my "comfy teddy b" go at all. I surely wish he didn't have to be at work and I can't believe we got him so stoned and feeling good on wine and "good lovin" he left his cell phone at home. His eyes were so red it wasn't even funny, ok wait it was funny. I mean damn his eyes were as red as our AIDS LifeWalk shirts. Poor thing said he woke up so stoned he left his phone at home. Oh his eyes were red oh my. I know I keep saying that but if ya'll could have seen them ya'll would have been tripping too.
We had a blast last night, all three of us. Drinking wine from the bottle, eating some very delicious food, listening to music, getting stoned, I mean what more could you ask for? I know it could have been not being up at 3:45am, lol.

The Next Day, Saturday 3:36am

The next it is and Ms. Ellie was a great and sweet pooch staying at Omar's place. She whined a little bit while we were out eating but that is understandable being that she was in a new place stuck in her kennel the person she loves the most gone with some guy she has to smell the whole time. She was perfect in the fact she didn't poop or pee in his place or make any noises while we tried to watch a movie or sleep.
I asked him about Ellie staying the night, he was trying to type a long message but of course it cut off at the word no when he was typing no problem. Oh it cracked me up when I didn't get/read it all at once and I was telling him that he had to stay at my place or I had to leave but I could stay later than usual. Glad it worked out where I was wrong and Ellie was able to stay. I think she enjoyed herself and eating stuff off the floor. I think Omar enjoyed her too. He just won't admit that to me. We went out to eat at Rio Mambo near his place. It was a pretty interesting place I must say. Maybe I should have suggested La Familia but thought it not best. Actually I didn't think about that place at all until now but the dish I had night was delicious. The drink was really interesting. I must say I was proud of myself for drinking just one, hehehe truth be told I could only probably handle one.

I really don't know if I should be affection with Omar in public or not. I don't know if it is something I should bring up or just let it be what it is. Somethings they just don't give you a manual on when it comes to getting to know someone. You know something like a pre-know guide. At least he doesn't mind being seen out with me. It was his idea to go out. Although he "let me choose" so he says, he knew which one I would pick of course. He knew what he was asking when he asked it. He was willing to do whatever it is I wanted him to do though. That is the cool thing about the situation. No matter what it is I would have choosen he would have been happy doing it.

Not only did he swoop up all my free days he also has me going to a haunted house twice. It will not be the same one twice just that I will be going to a haunted house with the girls and then with him as well. It was sweet when I mentioned it to him and he said I was cheating. I am off to the movies. Going to see the last bourne movie we think.

Nerve wrecking again, DAMN THIS!!!

Here it is again, another hair pulling experience, the paranoia in me is just making my mind go 90miles per hour. I shouldn't be thinking about him like this but I am. Oh he didn't text me around the usual time and I just wanted to fucking scream but I made it and didn't scream. I just put him, well the cell phone out of sight out of mind and it worked. He was texting by 1pm telling me he had a hell of a day which I concluded but just took me a moment of school girl frantics to get through first before I let it sink in that hello he may just be having a hell of a busy day. I know I need Omar meetings, it is crazy, lol. I'm breathing I'm breathing, trust me everyone nothing to see here I'm just trippin, lol.
After all that waiting and us chatting a little, he won't be able to see me tonight after all. He has meetings until 7pm which he said would put him home at 8 and me there probably by 830/9ish but I gotta leave around 1030/11ish which isn't fair to my gas tank or to the both of us. I don't think 2hrs of seeing each other would make us happy campers, hell I'm not sure I would be able to just leave at 1030/11ish if you want to be real about it.

We talked about the situation and he understands since I gotta get up early in the morning for work. Damn it for getting up at 430am. It is just WRONG!!! We agreed tomorrow will just be better. Then he said he'll see me as soon as you.... i am off. Now I don't know who he takes me for but ummmmmmmm I believe last time we were together, SUNDAY, he said he was off this Friday because he called me lucky for being off half a day last Friday. Yeah I had to call him on that one. I told him, um aren't you off this Friday you lucky duck? I said just hit me up when you are ready for me to come over tomorrow since you will be off, lol. Of course I get no response. He wants to over look that comment which is fine but I guess I just wanted to let him know I may not say a lot but I don't forget a whole bunch. He dismissed me by not responding but I can handle it. Who knows maybe he smirked at my comment but he said he will chat with me later. I'll be at home looking crazy since I won't be out there seeing him which sucks a bunch. That is where I would rather be. I want to see him, shoooooooot I would call in late just to stay there a little later in the evening but that wouldn't be responsible at all and besides I chill and toke with my girl before we go to work so I would miss that and I belive she would too as many times as she has stayed out but made it a point to be back home at least by in the morning. I'm going to play the responsible one this time but I can't promise anything on that next time, lol.
I just hope when I chat with him on text this evening he will be ok with me bringing Ms. Ellie Bellie along.

What's the deal bill??

Here it is Wednesday and I have not a clue as into what I am doing this evening. Omar hasn't made any plans with me yet for this evening so I guess I'm not seeing him this evening. Bryan and his girlfriend have already hit me up so I guess I'm seeing them around 7pm tonight. Who knows what we'll end up doing over there. He just turned 40 yesterday so he is still the birthday boy, lol. I assume Omar is waiting until the long weekend to do something but with him who knows. Hit him up with a simple text Hello yesterday and then about 830ish hit him up again. Well his battery was down all day so he didn't hit me back up until 9ish when he got home to recharge it. Of course I'm curious, of course I'm a little piturbed he is just now getting back home at 9ish to recharge it when I know he gets off work way earlier than that, of course I want to ask well where were you. Of course I want to do all those things but I realize and understand I can't. He isn't mine to do so with. I guess it's the fact I enjoy him so much and he is leaving in Dec. Of course I don't want him to go but you know I knew he was leaving from jump. Hell I wasn't suppose to like him this much, I wasn't suppose to enjoy his company at all. I don't even think I was going to give him a chance after the first date but here it is a few weeks later and we've seen each other twice every week since then. The more time I spend with him the more I start to like him. I'm trying not to let him know or show it too much. I don't want to push him away being he is leaving anyway. He said he'll be back but that could be years from now. I mean he has been over here for years whose to say he won't be where he is going or will end up for years before I see him again.
He made me smile a few times I was over there with him this last time and I'm not talking just sex either. He said a few things that made me blush. Me laying down on the floor next to him was nice and he is going to get me to spend the night yet. I blushed it was sweet. It has been a while where I could just be me. I was me with my husband but not completely me. My husband wouldn't dare lay on the floor to watch tv and he damn sure wouldn't have stayed there just to have me lay next to him.
I'm just nervous and don't know what to do with myself. I haven't dated anyone in 7-8 years and my husband has ruined me for certain things and this being one of them. I don't want to be clingy or suffocating. I'm trying to back off and let him make a move or two but he already told me he wouldn't contact me too much because he doesn't want to be a bother. I'm afraid we'll both try not to bother each other and not call like we want to.
I don't know what to do I don't know what to do. I'm blogging to get this off my chest cuz this is just crazy I think. I have just got to tell him, look sometimes I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't know if I should text you or not. I don't know if I am bugging you or not. I know you aren't mine to control and I wouldn't ever want to control you, I know we aren't in a relationship, nothing serious. I know you are free to date other people but I guess my problem is, is I like you way too much way too fast and I'm about to scream over here.


He has done it to me again, shocked me. He texted me and now I don't know how it happened but I'm seeing him Thursday (tomorrow), Friday and Sunday. What the hell, how the heck did that happen? Am I going to have to board the pooch for all this time spending? He swooped in and got all my free days. I can't believe it. My mouth is literally on the floor and I am confused, roflmbao. Welp I am seeing him those days. I wonder if he will let me bring my Elefantita over or do I need to let Steven watch her or what's going on. I guess we will see when I see him tomorrow and ask him face to face if I can bring his favorite "rat" over, lol. My pooch is NOT a rat!!

What's going on!!

This past weekend was fun and interesting to say the least. We went to the jazz festival and had a really good almost free time. At least it was free to get in and park because the balloon festival wanted too much to watch some damn balloons take off and such. The last act at the jazz fest was great and even the side stages had some good talent on them. The funnel cake we could have left because they were frying them too long, yuck but we ate it and the lemonade was yummy all freshly squeezed and carrying on with no extra sugar. We had a good time there. Melissa finally met Cherie and made a proper assumption after it was all said and done. We probably won't be seeing her for another few months. Melissa is right but then again I told her we might see her before that if she notices we are having too much fun without her.
Come to think of it Mel is right, we do need to take some more pictures for myspace but we haven't had the chance or been anywhere in which we are going together and getting cute together or even before a date. I guess we'll have to think of something this week or next at least.
Met someone new last night, I think I'll let him make it a little bit. He is 47 which is too close to Steven's age for me but I guess I'll make it. He is a cutie/hottie. We'll see how he is in bed before I make the decision to keep him as a total friend or let him be FWB of course. I saw him last night but was just not feeling sexy and didn't want to remove any clothes at all. I don't know, I thought he wasn't going to like me and I thought he didn't want to see me naked but that wasn't the case.

I made it home and he sent me a nice little message saying next time I'm getting naked and I'm going to like it, lol. I did tell him I was too high which I was and he understood. I almost fell asleep on him. I would have been out too like a light and not sure if he would have been able to wake me. I so wanted to be with Omar in that state. I would have fallen asleep on him again though. Speaking of which. I had a blast with him this past Saturday. Our date this time was us cooking together and watching a movie. Of course the movie really never got watched well at least too much and this time I fell asleep, lol. The food was good, the company was good. I don't know, what can I say. I cooked and ate octopus for the first time as well as cooking clams and eating them other than fried. It was a wild and good experience. Had a couple shots of rum w/pear juice chaser, that was delish. We didn't smoke as much as I am use to which is good because I would have been sleep way before we finished fooling around. I was just so tired that evening. I guess the shopping, cooking, eating, drinking, all that took it's toll on me. Which I didn't mind. I can't believe it though when I got home and was up. I guess that cat nap kind of ruined me too in a sense. At least it gave Ellie a minute to be out of the kennel and run around before she had to be put back in it. I got to see Californication for a little bit and it was pretty interesting. Don't know if I want to start recording it or anything serious like that, lol, but it was interesting. I am suppose to see Reese sometime this week but I really don't want to. He seems too wound up and then wants to do stuff like bondage, hot wax, cbt, etc. I don't know if I am feeling him like that at all. He seems so closeted and stiff I don't know if he is for me. I mean not really stiff but I guess not for me, especially sexually. He was good that first time we had intercourse but since then I just haven't been feeling him. Not really my type I'm guessing. He needs to pick up on that vibe and QUICK!!! I've been trying to hook up with this couple but not having any luck. I hooked up with the boyfriend half of the couple but haven't had any luck since and he bragged about me to the gf so I'm like all confused now. I ask to hook up but not getting any responses is kind of driving me crazy. I think I'm just going to have to let them make it and just say forget it. Who knows though, I just sent a text and he said still interested maybe Thurs or Fri. I said cool just don't forget about me, sheesh. I bet they'll forget or something. I'll hit them up Wednesday so they don't or at least Thursday sometime. This is crazy, I might just have to go back on my couple hunt and let this have its moment.


I don't think I have a date tonight, heck to be honest I don't want a date tonight or at least if I have anything I want some real good sex tonight which I haven't had in a minute. I mean some really good sex. I haven't had that in a while and I want with someone that is fun to be with. This guy wants to see me after work at my place but he isn't as fun as he thinks he is. He is good enough for a backseat fuck but not sure if I want him at my house on my bed leaving his essence on my sheets. I don't know we'll see how the day rolls. I might hit up craigslist and see what is out there for this evening. Heck I may post something myself and see if I get any decent hits on the damn thing. Kind of don't want to because I'm sure the husband is out there searching on it but who knows he may be searching for bi guys instead of women but I just really couldn't tell ya. To be honest the only reason I would care is so I could put my post out there and not be bothered with him or him seeing it. Also I guess I don't want anyone I'm "dating" to see it either. Hmmm let me change that up. I don't want O to see it even though I don't think he goes there. The others I don't care about just yet because no one besides O and R have taken me out. The others could just kiss my ass but then again I haven't found any one else worthy or worth taking me out. Who knows maybe I'm in a rut at the moment, lol.

It has been so long

It has been some time since I have last posted here. A lot has been going on. I've been dating a few people here and there. Letting them spoil me, take me out on dates, do what the hell I want to do for a change instead of just sitting at home watching the boob tube. Now if we get together and just chill on the couch that is one thing but they are more than willing to get up and do something if requested.

I met this real cool cat named Joe w/three kids, recently separated like myself. He is really cool and comfy to be around. We popped X together the first night I saw/met him in person. It was only half, he did the other half. That night/morning was a trip. I can't believe we left each other like 630ish in the morning from hanging out about 630/7ish the previous evening. He ended up meeting Mally of course he met Mel since he did come over to the house. We haven't seen each other since that day which I am kind of bummed about but I am glad we did get to spend that time together. He has since moved to OKC with his kids due to "baby mama drama" he says which I do believe. The last time we talked we couldn't really talk because he was trying to put/get a handle on that. Quit his job, got the kids and moved to OKC with the sister. All I can say is good for him and hope he can get his shit together from all of this because it has got to be hard when someone is tripping like this and kids are involved not just you two as a couple. He called me Thursday and we chatted for a good while. I called him Sunday which he was suppose to call me back but didn't hear a word. I'll be alright of course but I see now, he is going to be that guy you talk to at least once every two weeks if that much. I understand a lot is going on for him right now but I still just get that vibe.

Ryan aka MrSheets is a total and complete trip. I didn't think he was going to be all that cute from his Myspace page but when he showed up I was completely surprised. We chilled for a good bit and then I must admit I was ravished and I didn't mind it, I especially didn't mind it when he knew what a cockring was and wore it or when he had a big cock for a 22yr old and knew how to work it a little. I must admit he does need a few more leasons on working it but he proved to be a good learner the next time we saw each other. I hate to say though, that 2nd time I guess was our last time. Either I teased him in a way he took offense to or something. I thought we left each other on good terms, a little bite on the neck, a quick kiss, hug and thoughts of seeing each other again later or so I thought but I guess he had other plans and I wasn't in them. He at least could have said that instead of just not answering my text. I didn't text him all the time, maybe once or twice a week but no answer either way. The last text I received from him was about him being at the bar, I texted him to be careful and he said he would be alright. Who would have known I wasn't going to talk to him after that. I guess I am just baffled as in to why. I mean hell he wasn't just a booty call. He came over gave me some but we did some hanging out and checking out stuff. I thought we were learning each other but POOF! he vanished into thin air. A little like Joe but Joe had good reason, this one is just not mature enough to say oops I don't want to hang anymore. I guess maybe I said something wrong but I didn't think so. Did I do something wrong, hell if anything I was a muthafuckin champ because I dealt with your ED both times we had sex. Actually told you it doesn't bother me I understand but hey what ever the hell floats your boat. Maybe he just scared, scared he couldn't handle what I have. Then again maybe it is just a sign I don't need to be with him at all since he does do a lot of drinking(which is one of the reasons I did leave the husband for) and he is still into the drug scene a bit. I mean how all of the sudden someone mentions cocaine or something then you hit up a homeboy for a few lines? I mean come on now. I'm not into all that so ooops oh well, a good sign to move on.



Now this Omar fellow and this Reese guy seem to be pretty good guys but I'm leaning more towards Omar. I don't know what it is but I'm not my usual comfy self around Reese. I don't know what it is. I know one reason could be that Omar smokes and Reese doesn't but I would like to think it doesn't make that big of a difference but it looks as if I am wrong. Also I feel I just can't be myself. I'm a chatty person and sometimes I feel that isn't where he wants to be. I guess if Reese were to stop talking to me tomorrow I wouldn't pass out or try to jump off the flat part of the earth. I guess he is just really cool people to hang out with on one hand but on the other that is all he is good for is going out because when we are together it is about sex pretty much and not just to have a good time hanging out and whatever happens happens. Omar and I usually know sex is going to go down but we have way too much fun before hand. The eating, the drinking and now the smoking, I find myself missing him when I should be dating other folks when I'm not spending my time with him. He does leave me in Dec for an unknown amount of time. I of course can handle it now that I know but I don't want to handle it, lol.

I have met a few more folks. I have a date or a meeting this Thursday with someone new but he doesn't live in town and a pizza date with Omar on Wednesday. Looks like my tonight and my tomorrow are open but we shall see. This guy named Jack wants to meet me but I'm not that sure about him because he doesn't do anything, well he drinks a little but doesn't smoke which I do and I hardly drink if at all unless I am out. We'll see if he can get in where he fits in. I'll at least give the guy a chance. He can either make it or break it all by himself.

That is all that has been going on here except I went to GrapeFest this year but this time I went with Omar. We had some fun. I mean it wasn't a blast but I don't think I have ever had a blast except for one year and believe it or not I went with my husband that time. I don't know Omar still makes me a little nervous and I don't know why. I do however find myself being myself around him. Maybe that is why I am so nervous, I'm not use to being my full self, lol.

I'm outta here folks, have a good time doing whatever it is you which better be being you!!!

Drinkin in the mornin

Invading my mind space

He has invaded my mind space once again. I'm sitting there chilling and here he comes popping the hell up out of no where. I'm trying not to think about him. I'm trying to put others in my thoughts. Especially the cutie I met last night although now he wants to act like a difficult punk but we shall see. They both claim they want to hang with me again but we shall see on that too. They both claim they like me a lot and got excited when I mentioned hanging again but we will see. He hasn't invaded my thoughts since this morning and right now because I am typing about him but other than that I think I am going to make it. This other young one I am sure can take my mind off of him but we shall see. The first young one gets on my nerves and I"m sure these other two will too but I'll give them time. The first one wants to be an adult but doesn't know what to do with himself, these other two have found themselves by being out there if that makes any sense. I mean I guess I can tell we have all had our life lessons, not all of them of course and out of the 4 of us a few of use more life lessons than others but hey it is a learning experience and I gotta experience the moment and not get wrapped up in the boys/men. I gotta remember I am recently separated and I am for damn sure not ready for someone else to have a life besides me so it is driving me crazy that they do especially after we have met and hung out. Did I give it to them too early? Is that it? Did they get it and figure oh well we will call her when we get ready or is it just me over reacting? Of course we all play the game, call talk, get to know you then once we have each other I guess we should back off if we aren't trying to handle/have anything serious. That is what I got to remember, NOTHING SERIOUS, but that isn't what is hard to remember, the backing up part. I think what kills me is one that was all up on it has backed up but he was doing that after I told him to slow down. I guess I am just really not knowing what to do with myself since I have been in a relationship for 7-8yrs where his entire life was me and that was it. If he wasn't at work he was at my coat tails. Men are just strange and I'm tired of trying to figure them out, whether they like you or not, if they are playing games or pushing back because they don't want to feel too much either. I just gotta be me and hope that is all I need to be. I can't help it I'm a horny nut. Just because I gave it to you and maybe I did give it to you the first day/night we met doesn't mean I'm easy or a slut. Hell I like sex just like any man, woman, person. So what if I like you enough or I am attracted to you enough I want to get a little and why can't I. That is why sometimes I like the older men, they realize it isn't about being a slut or easy it is about liking sex and being attracted enough to the other person to just give in give it up and have some fun. Maybe one of these young ones will take me out. I'm suppose to have a date tomorrow with a guy around my age but we shall see how this is going to happen. He is suppose to come out my way from Greenville but we shall see. I ought to just put an add out there. I have plenty of dick coming my way I just want and need to be wined and dined and who knows what could happen between us but we shall see with these youngsters. They may take me out if I say something. One, actually both were willing we just ended up calling it a night in.

Confused and I like him too much

Why do I like him so much? I shouldn't like him this much. I just met the fool and he is all I can think about. He sent one message via MySpace, I sent a reply, he sent another message with a phone number and I responded with mine. He called me first, all out of the blue. It shocked my stuff and for a minute I thought he was someone else. Finally I figured out who he was and all we could do was talk. That was on a Monday. Next thing you know he is chilling at my house with Mally, Mel and myself on Friday evening. 420 friendly he is, brought a bud of dro which I didn't expect for Mally to bumrush him with her stuff like she did but it was cool. He was just amazed because he came over to smoke some with us, you know bringing it to share and here we are sharing ours with him which was very cool that we could ALL chill, no one feel uneasy. After a while he left, went to Autozone or so he says. Nothing I can do but believe him. He left my place I would have to say around 8:30p. Our intentions were not to see each other until tomorrow (Saturday). Next thing I know is, he is back at my place after a few text messages and he didn't leave until around 6am Saturday morning. I was a little sad we didn't get to go out but that is cool. He went to get his hair cut or so he says but claims the hair person is his homey so who knows what went on but I'm not suppose to like him this much. I wasn't suppose to trust him enough to share an XTC pill with him. I wasn't suppose to enjoy spending that much time with him and Ellie sho wasn't suppose to be all chihuahua friendly about the situation either. I wasn't suppose to want to go out with him on Saturday after seeing him all that time but we didn't.
Then he surprises me Sunday by calling and texting me. Oh I can't handle it. Im not use to someone having a life. I'm not use to someone not answering when I call or calling right back or hitting me up immediately when I send a text. I'm just so not use to him having a life or anyone else besides me for that matter. He is separated from his wife and has been for 2months he claims. He said the breaking up was her idea. They have 3 small children together, 1 girl that is 5 or almost 5 and twin boys. We've already established the fact since they have been broke up that they have had sex together since then. He claims because it is routine and kind of habit which hey he's not my bf, not my man who am I to complain when he isn't the only one I'm giving it up to. He claims she has a bf or a guy she is seeing now. Hey we'll see. I've visited her myspace page. Of course I had to see the competition and she is cute but of course I gotta try to be more cute, lol. From what it seems he is telling the truth they are separated. I'm not reading too much into this. I just can't stand I like him this much and so fast. I guess what is killing me is because I don't know what he is thinking, how he feels about me. All I know is he has a life and I better find one quick but it is hard after you haven't had one for so long. It is crazy. I'll find one and show him I'm not some clingy chick especially when I am not. It is just hard when you meet someone and enjoy spending time with them and they are into the same things you are into from 420 to tattoos and art. I think the reason it is so hard for me to get over this one because we really click. I've met or trying to meet my fair share of guys but none of them have clicked with me like this one. Ok enough about him. I believe I have blogged enough to get him out of my system. Besides he is out of town for "work" until Friday. I guess I don't believe or keep him at a distance because I just recently separated and this is too much too fast. Ok I'm getting a life and here quick quick, lol.

Moving his stuff

Tomorrow he starts moving his stuff and I finally get the laptop back which I am just way too excited about getting it back. I thought about it last night and he is getting a lot of stuff. I don't think I'm going to let him have the tv because he can afford to get another one and he will be alright waiting a little bit until he gets one. Hell he doesn't have a car note and I am helping him enough by packing his stuff, giving him towels, silverware on top of him taking his grandparents silverware that he will probably never polish. Then he is taking all the clocks, the bench in the kitchen, & the dinning room table, both chairs and ottomans so screw that, he can leave the tv. I know on the computer also he isn't getting that big external hard drive because he can afford to get one himself and also he isn't getting the external dvd burner/player either besides it doesn't work on Vista anyway. Now I gotta find a new place to feed the cats that is high enough where Ellie won't get in their food. That's something else I gotta deal with. I'm just trying to make those move so easy and everything just go without any arguments or anything cuz he pisses me off in the first place because he wants to control but can't give up his old ways and stop drinking.

This is hard

I love him and I don't want him gone but he can't go picking my friends. It is hard cooking around here knowing it won't be him eating it, it is going to be hard not havig him hold me at night or watching as Ellie sleeps in his lap on the days that he is off. It will be hard not watching David Letterman together, it will be hard knowing he is alone but he has got to change his way of thinking. I am 29yrs old and we don't have any kids. Why can't I have a night out with the girls? Why can't I have my friends and do things with them that he doesn't want to do anymore. It is wrong that I should have to sit in the house and do nothing unless it is with him or alone, that is just crazy to me. I love him and I love him dearly but I also can no longer put up with his drinking. When I need him the most I cry because he is too drunk to hold me, tell me he loves me or do anything else for that matter because he is too tipsy, drunk or what the hell ever sometimes drunk sleep and tipsy. I mean I am trying to be a good wife but what kind of husband is he being for me. He is not the man I use to be very deeply in love with. Oh gawd this hurts but I must move on.
I think Mel and I should start doing Passion parties. I think that would be good for us and we could make some good money.

He left me

Came home Thursday to a best friend I have never met before. She had attitude when she picked us up. She didn't even empty my kitty litter box and I would have done so for her. She didn't even pick up the spit up, I think she actually came over here only one day you want to have the honest truth. Maybe just a couple of days to once check on the animals and then again just to throw the mail in the house but oops oh well, I just know now who won't be watching my house again while I am gone. In other news, that same night we came home from Vegas I made a call to get some stuff since steven had been whining about how bad I needed it. I was gone an hour and a half and came back to him acting a complete fool. I ended up tearing up the already tore blinds also tossed this vase on the mantle because I was just too finished. I came home to someone with attitude, he had been complaining the whole time in and out of Vegas and ohh gawd if we didn't find a bottle of alcohol for the room it just wasn't going to be right. Welp, needless to say he called the cops on me so I left, I came back though an hour later after the cops left just as a coincidence. Then I grabbed what I came back for and I left until about 2am only to come back to him withh the door barricaded and him with three guns near him while he slept. I came in hid his things so nothing would happen to me while I slept. Needless to say they ended up coming back as I was unpacking. Officer Simmons was a cutie. Welp he went to go get a haircut and his comissions license so he said. He is now staying in a room some where close to the house, he won't say. HE just left, he didn't leave a note or anything. He called me at 1am later on drunk to tell me he fell out of the shower then he called me again at 4am and told me fuck you. I call him for the longest on Saturday and sent text messages because for one he emptied the account. Emptied ALL the money I mean every single penny. Finally calls me later on Saturday and we get nothing worked out because he wants to pick my friends. I asked him to stop drinking and he asked me to stop smoking if he did that and I agreed, he even agreed to go to a counselor but I gotta stop being friends with Mally and Melissa. Now he is pissed off again because I told him I am still friends with Mally when he thought I stopped being her friend once again because he doesn't like her and doesn't want me to be her friend. ONce again I can only be friends with someone he wants me to be friends with. I can't do that, I wouldn't and don't ask him to do that. He said he was going to give me his half for his health ins, car ins, renters ins, and his money for part of the cell phone bill. Said he was paid up to Friday wherever he is and that he will be looking for a place. I agreed to him taking the laptop but now he can't because I need it for school and it is just easier for me to have but I'll tell him that Monday when I tell him I found a roommate and it will cost me only 642.50 a piece to live here, keep the house, still go to school and pay for my car. I hate it has come down to this, hell I hate he is in my family photos we did recently but oh well, I did and still do love him but he can't go picking my friends and go getting mad because I don't wanna stop being their friend.
Today we are picking up some blinds for the front room, a blind for the back door, something for that bedroom closet door and some root stuff for the house. Oh gosh I'm going to be broke again, lol. He has already taken a little over $7,000 out of the account and left me with nothing. Had the nerve to say if you can't keep the house he will take it and give me some money so I can start over fresh and new. I'm like I'm sorry I can't do that. I had a good night sleep last night and I finally relaxed before that. It feels nice not to have to worry about a drunk at night while you are sleep anymore. I love him but he is not going to make it doing that much drinking. Then he says he is going to be drinking a lot less now, what kind of shit is that especially when I had to fuss and fuss and fuss to get him to stop drinking mix drinks and move to shots and beers but damnn 3 beers a night and lawd knows how many shots. It is just crazy. He says I've been disrespectful and such but I'm just tired of noticing what I should have been and now I"m saying something and getting tired of it. I better get dressed, we've got stuff to do.

When it rains it pours and it finally stopped in TX

There is finally a forecast without rain being involved. Now don't get me wrong I love the rain, no wait, I LOVE THE RAIN but gosh we haven't had a sunny minute in a minute but damn does it have to end up being 96 degrees outside because you know it is going to end up feeling like it is in the 100s which is crazy but you get what you get especially in a TX summer, lol. I don't drink coffee and thought this was neat but I haven't had too much of my needed caffiene this morning but I think I will survive it. I tried so hard today to get to work on time but that was a wasted effort but I wasn't too late getting here though, just by 15mins but Mel caught me on my way in so I ended up getting in the building and at my desk at like 7:30a but that is all good by me. Besides I am the one on-call if there were any major issues but don't see anything major happening between 5:45a and 7:30a but hey thank goodness for cell phones because I have two, lol. The pooch was being all sweet this morning which she usually is. I found a place to board her for hella cheap while we are out of town and that is her own vet which is right down the street. Ellie knows the people, the smells and it is right down the street once again but I am going to take her to this place called The Grand Pet Resort off of Huelen and I-30 one day, give her a spoiling treatment because that is what it would be and we need to spend some time apart like that so she can get use to it. Once again I gotta start taking her back to the dog park so she isn't getting rowdy with other dogs but I did take her to Mally's to see Mally's dogs on Friday I think it was.
Im just so ready for vacation and to not be working for a week even if we weren't going to Vegas I still would not be getting up in the morning for the JOB!!! I have the vacation ready blues or the week before vacation don't want to do nothings, lol. I can't wait I can't wait!!! I'm glad it is Sun-Thurs though that way I can rest at least for 3 days when we return, lawd knows I am going to need it. I found this cool picture on the internet when I typed in tea in google and then clicked on images. I gotta keep the link to this lady's art because she has some cool stuff. Tea
and I do mean tea is some good stuff especially chai tea. Oh I just really enjoy it and have been enjoying the white chai with the freshly ground nutmeg. It has never tasted so yummy, lol. I finally had found some whole nutmeg to grind up using the grater and I was excited but now I gotta buy a smaller grater because the one we are using isn't huge but it is too big for this small job. YUCK!!! I gotta go home and deal with dishes. I think it is just crazy. I rather go home and deal with a hard cock but that bullshit isn't happening. I hope this isn't too much for the readers. Just what I happen to be feeling at this gosh darn moment still at work. I have been working on this entry FOREVER it seems but I don't mind it. Doesn't bother me one bit.
I need to start catching up in my other blog, my naughty dirty blog but I'll have to do that wild crap at home and I mean come on who really has the time but I guess I better make time and I will bitches, lol!!! Apologies, my inner Dave Chapelle came out in me. LOL